Station 151

“The Cheddar Bunnies Consequence”

by Bear Weiter & Steven James Scearce

 

INT. UNDERGROUND BUNKER/BASEMENT BEDROOM - DAY

SFX: toilet flushes, door opens and closes, feet shuffle across the floor. We hear the crunch of chip bags and a kicked soda can or bottle during the walk.

 

INTERCOM VOICE 1

SFX: crackling voice over the intercom, during the walk

(hesitant/nervous)

Um…sir? I don’t know if you remember me, I’m still in training, and…

 

INTERCOM VOICE 2
(in the background)
Get to it, be assertive.

MAIN CHARACTER
(grunts)

SFX: continued shuffling of feet, stops

INTERCOM VOICE 1
(hurried now, still nervous)
If you could just press that button—

SFX: couch creaks as MC sits down

INTERCOM VOICE 1
—before you sit down!

INTERCOM VOICE 2
(in the background)
Dammit.

MAIN CHARACTER
(not interested)
What are you going on about?

SFX: chip bag rustling, maybe being wadded up because it’s empty

 

INTERCOM VOICE 1

Um…uh…the button, sir. My name’s Bob and it’s my job to remind you to press that button.

 

SFX: continued rustling of a bag
MAIN CHARACTER
(grunts)

Where’s the pushy one, that relentless migraine with a voice who—?

 

INTERCOM VOICE 2

(interrupts, louder, more into the mic, slightly irritated)

I’m here. If you could just do as Bob asks, crisis solved, and we can leave you in peace.

 

MAIN CHARACTER

Leave me in peace? Bag’s empty. Not much left in this 2-liter of Code Red, either. That's the real crisis here, if you ask me.

SFX: the crunch of a chip bag, sloshing of a nearly empty 2-liter bottle

 

INTERCOM VOICE 1
(whispering to IV2)

I’ll just run in there and restock those things—

 

INTERCOM VOICE 2

(less whispering, maybe muffled like the mic is covered by a hand)

No. Get him to do his thing, and then we can give him what he wants. Otherwise, he’ll just fall into a sugar coma and that’ll be that.

MAIN CHARACTER
(gruff)

What are you two jabbering about?

INTERCOM VOICE 2
(quiet)
Go on…

INTERCOM VOICE 1
Sir, the button. It just needs to be pressed—

 

MAIN CHARACTER
(annoyed)

And my snack cabinets need to be restocked.

 

INTERCOM VOICE 1

Yes, of course. We can get right on that. But first, the button…?

 

MAIN CHARACTER
(grunt)

SFX: shifting couch/spring noises, the sound of a mostly flat 2-liter being opened

 

INTERCOM VOICE 1

Please, sir? It’s really the only thing you need to do. And it’s my job to remind you to press it, just press the button. It’s such a simple thing, the smallest of efforts.

 

MAIN CHARACTER
(slightly irritated)

Again and again with that… You think I’ll forget or something? Like how you forget to replenish the Cheetos?

INTERCOM VOICE 2
We’ve been here before.

MAIN CHARACTER
(irritated)
Yes. Yes, we have.

INTERCOM VOICE 2

You’ve asked us to remind you. You made this our job.

 

MAIN CHARACTER

…which includes keeping me well stocked. Cheetos. Cheez-Its. Nacho Cheese Doritos. Any cheese-based snack chip really. [slight pause] Cheesy nuts? [under his breath] Haven’t had those in forever.

INTERCOM VOICE 2

Yes, absolutely. And Bob here will bring you all of that and more if you can just do this one simple thing. Press the button.

MAIN CHARACTER

And more Mountain Dew. Hell, get that mini fridge closer to the couch while you’re at it.

 

INTERCOM VOICE 2

You're aware we placed the button within arm's reach, right? You barely have to lift a finger, let alone get up from your couch. But sure, let's make you even more comfortable by relocating the mini fridge.

MAIN CHARACTER
(grunt)

Aww… yeah, that’s the bizness.

SFX: the sound of scratching, as if scratching his nuts, sniffs

 

INTERCOM VOICE 1
(nervous, whispering)

What if I brought him his stuff and just pressed the button while I’m in there?

 

INTERCOM VOICE 2
(short, angry)

No. That is not our domain. He has to want to do it. We can’t do this for him.

 

INTERCOM VOICE 1
(still nervous)
But…all the people…?

INTERCOM VOICE 2
(louder)
His. Domain.

MAIN CHARACTER

If you two keep dragging your feet like this, I’m going to take a nap. Wake me when you get the snack situation resolved.

INTERCOM VOICE 2

Sir! Sir! The button. Please! It’s just right there.

 

MAIN CHARACTER

And yet, my Cheetos are a world away. So, who’s really suffering here?

 

INTERCOM VOICE 2
Oh, god dammit—

MAIN CHARACTER
(quite angry and alert)

Watch your tongue! You know what I’ve said about that.

 

INTERCOM VOICE 2

I’m sorry! I’m sorry. It’s just…you’ve done the hard work. Yes. You deserve your rest. We agree. Everyone agrees. Right?

INTERCOM VOICE 1
(nervously)
Yeah… Oh, yeah. Totally agree.

MAIN CHARACTER
(draw it out a bit)
…but?

INTERCOM VOICE 2

But everything hinges on such a small action. That button there, within arm's reach. All we need you to do is press it.

MAIN CHARACTER
(big sigh)

All I need to do is enjoy some cheesy snacks. Or sleep. You’re not helping me achieve either of these things.

 

INTERCOM VOICE 1
(in the background, eager)

Hey! The cart's loaded up with all his favorites. I'll get him restocked and satisfied. Just let me in there.

INTERCOM VOICE 2
(to IV1)
No.
(louder)

Sir! How long is this seventh-day rest going to last? Can we finally move on to day eight, and get to the—?

SFX: sudden couch noises, main character has gotten up, stomping around, maybe things being kicked or thrown

MAIN CHARACTER
It lasts as long as I say it does!

SFX: cabinet door being slammed open, box being shaken, thrown

 

MAIN CHARACTER

Cheddar bunnies? CHEDDAR BUNNIES? We’re down to the goddamn cheddar bunnies? Who wants these flavorless, organic snack crackers? Where are the artificial flavors? Colors? Preservatives? This is what you’re expecting me to eat?
That’s it, the last straw. I’m done with this.

SFX: distant thunderclap when he uses his own name in vain, above

 

INTERCOM VOICE 2
(directed behind him to IV1)

Go! Go now! Get in there and re-stock the damn snacks!

SFX: (over the intercom) the sound of the cart wheels squealing, then the cart falling over and dumping the contents

 

INTERCOM VOICE 1
Oh no.
I got it, I got it!

INTERCOM VOICE 2
Get your shit together and get in there!

MAIN CHARACTER
(angry)
Where is it?

SFX: another cabinet door opens – or maybe a desk drawer

 

INTERCOM VOICE 2
This is bad!

MAIN CHARACTER
(grunt)

Ah! There it is. You two bungling foot-lickers remember this? I have another button here.

INTERCOM VOICE 2
Just put that down! Uh…please? Sir?
Bob, get the snacks to him!

INTERCOM VOICE 1
I’m going!

SFX: cart wheels squealing, hurrying sounds.

 

MAIN CHARACTER

If you don’t think I’m doing enough, this button here could solve that little problem. Then I’d get some real rest.

INTERCOM VOICE 2
Oh my god!
SFX: distant thunderclap

MAIN CHARACTER

Hey now! There are limits to my patience, and you’re already treading on thin ice.
SFX: door unlocking, or buzzing in, door opens, IV1 wheels in.

 

INTERCOM VOICE 1
(now in person, not on intercom)

Here! Everything you need. I even got you a barrel of Cheez Balls! And look, a jumbo straw for your Mountain Dew!

INTERCOM VOICE 2

Sir, please. Have a seat. Enjoy your snacks, and just press the button next to the couch.

 

MAIN CHARACTER
(mildly satisfied)

Hmm. I do like Cheez Balls. Thought those had been discontinued.

 

INTERCOM VOICE 2

Hey, anything for you, Sir. All we’re asking for in return is… just press the button.

 

MAIN CHARACTER

We’ll see after I reach the bottom of this barrel.

(pause)
And a nap.

INTERCOM VOICE 2
(under his breath)
Ughhh… Sloth.

MAIN CHARACTER
(seething)
What?
WHAT?

INTERCOM VOICE 1
(quiet/mousy)

Here, let me just press this for you.
SFX: a button being pressed repeatedly.

INTERCOM VOICE 1
(quiet/mousy)
So little effort. See?

MAIN CHARACTER
What did you just call me?
SFX: distant rumble of thunder.

INTERCOM VOICE 2
(antagonistic/defiant)
You heard me.

MAIN CHARACTER

How dare you! I created those sins. For them. Not me. My rules. My rules!

 

INTERCOM VOICE 1
Why isn’t this button working?

SFX: frantic button pressing. Thunder rumbling more closely now.

 

INTERCOM VOICE 2
(seething)

You’re wasting time. The button’s just an object in our hands. It's his touch, his action, his deliberate intent that gives it power. But he’s just too fucking lazy to lift a finger for his own creation.

 

MAIN CHARACTER
Enough!

INTERCOM VOICE 1
No no no no wait!!!

SFX: something MASSIVE from the button, buzzing, clicking, something spinning up and then releasing then…

SFX: thunderclap, followed by a few seconds of silence

 

MAIN CHARACTER
Huh. I guess that reset button still works.

SFX: shuffling feet through litter, springs of a couch, a large plastic jar being unscrewed

 

MAIN CHARACTER
(big sigh)
So…day zero again.

SFX: digging into a barrel of cheese balls, grabbing a handful, chewing on them
SFX: turns on the TV or radio? (Production note: radio would make sense, and either tied into KillFM, or maybe that complicates it.)

MAIN CHARACTER
(incredulous)

Sloth. The nerve of those fuckers. Wrath, I get. I’ve done some things. That flood was no joke.
Gluttony? I mean, sure [munching heavily] if I’m being honest. But SLOTH? Fuck that!
SFX: something in the background for just a sec – maybe the radio if we’re going that route, otherwise food or trash related. Maybe more scratching.

 

MAIN CHARACTER
(cont’d)

Better to start fresh anyway. And no goddamn Cheddar Bunnies this time.

SFX: thunderclap on the above goddamn.

 

[end]